Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock