Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop