[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.