*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory