*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad