*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Jurassic park gets weird
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint