leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.