@trevso_electric: Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."
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@daemonic3: *gets down on one knee* Wow, you really suck. Why can't you be more like the other knee?
@Home_Halfway: "I'm gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it'll be a mom scrapbook" ~ Mark Zuckerberg
@Cidisn: Auto mechanic: Well here's your problem. The last person to work on this didn't wash their hands after using the restroom.
@PaperWash: [walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me