LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all