‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
so weird how every mom was born today