Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them