Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.