[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭