my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”