DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]