*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
HELP 😭
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.