*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
This is a bad sign
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one