*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.