[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
nice challenge
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I can’t stop laughing at this
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”