[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The honesty is refreshing
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.