[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Nomnomnomnom
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.