[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
just having fun
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.