[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Pretty much. 🤣
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Today’s Times
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast