[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You Might Also Like
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Is….Is this an option?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats