[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.