Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Breaking news:
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.