Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Deer are just ballerina dogs