[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.