[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
How animals would run if they were human
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.