That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
You Might Also Like
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Breaking news:
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
what
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Natty or not?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think