[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops