[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Stop.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.