[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.