[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Unimpressed
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*