*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?