*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”