[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.