Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*