Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*aggressively waits in line*
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know