[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
For anyone who needs this today
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
A Short Story.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.