*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*limbos away from your hug*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.