Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
not seeing the problem
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’