[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
You Might Also Like
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
good let them take over I have had enough
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*