[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…