*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The answer is funnier than the question
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Festive toon…
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.