@__candypants: "LeBron has cramps"... I get those every month you baby.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*
@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.
@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter