me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.