Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.