Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING