Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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A man of commitment.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*