“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs